No season can last forever

I feel myself changing. You ever felt that. Its like I am two complete different people and I don’t know which one is the real me. One of it wants to get work done, study,  go out, work towards my goals, be productive. But the other one makes me feel worthless and disappointed in myself every time I try to do something. Its true anxiety and depression make the worst combination. I have no control of whats going on. I know some people might have it worse than me but that does not make my pain any less valid. It feels like an endless circle of weakness, sadness, disappointment and worthlessness. I cant tell if its killing me or making me stronger. I always try to control things but it ends up controlling me. I should stop just let go of things that I cant control and give it all to Him. And so should y’all.
I’m the person who talks people into self-love. I truthfully assure everyone how wonderful they are, because I don’t want people to feel the way I do right now. I unintentionally make myself sad. I feel alone even when I am not. The worst thing is I don’t even know what is wrong. I keep blaming myself for the way I feel. I just want to rest my soul for a while. I’m just very ambitious and it kills me to not be able to do anything. I just feel so disappointed in myself. Every time I am with my friends, I feel like I have to do or say something to keep them interested. Its because I always think they are better than me and they deserve a company much better than me. I force myself into going out and I hate it that I cant. And sometimes I even do but that doesn’t change anything. People my age live so freely, go out every weekend, date people. Why cant I do that? Things that I used to enjoy earlier don’t bring me the same joy today. I keep doubting myself everyday. Its terrifying to breathe everyday. I tell God to not wake me up every morning but He still does. Thanks to this blog, I have something to look forward to. 

I realised that to be able to find peace, you must be at peace with yourself first and I cant control these emotions. We are never alone. When anxiety and depression hit me and I get confused, I turn to things that give me happiness like writing, drawing, listening to songs or watching Kpop idols have fun. I try to remind myself that I am young and my mental illness does not define me. It may hurt me but I wont give it the power to ruin me. Turn to God and ask him to calm your heart and mind. He’ll come with a huge blessing! Believe. The rain does not apologise for falling so you too should not apologise for how you feel. Just hold on. I always try to remind myself of this quote by my favourite band BTS- “ no season can last forever”. 

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