Surrender

Some may say I live a crazy life because I don’t live the way others do. I don’t dream the way others do. Happiness has a different meaning to me. My idea of success does not match with others. I believe in enjoying life and living the way I want to rather than planning every next step. Future haunts me. I don’t try to control my future. I don’t have any plans for my future. I don’t study hard. I am always nagged by my family. 
Growing up, I thought how great it would be to become a teenager. Well, I’ll just say it isn’t what I expected. When I thought about my teen years, I always imagined a happy, young and free me. Not a manipulated-by-the-societal-expectations me. It is so hypocritical of people. They first tell us to live life the way we want to and do what you love and then, they frown upon our decisions. They say “be you” and then, judge us. I thought future was something to be excited about, despite of not being aware of what is ahead. I thought the main goal in life was to do what you want to do. Live your life. Not merely survive to fulfill other’s idea of a successful life. Today, my mind is literally filled up with so many things. There is a constant war between what I want to do and what I should do, in my mind. And, sometimes no matter how hard you try, you cannot ignore some statements your loved ones say about you. My mind has become a mess. Everything is happening so simultaneously that I am starting to give up on these expectations. I know it is a good thing but why is everyone making me feel guilty about it? Why is me not living like others upsetting others so much?  I have always tried so hard to fulfill these expectations and to please others that now I am at a point where I am just starting to feel numb to this pain of disappointing others. I have stopped trying to put in so much effort into it now. I have surrendered to God. I used to spend my entire day thinking of how much I lag from others, what would be my future, will I get a good grade, will I be able to make them proud, etc. but I stopped. I don’t know my future. I don’t know which path I am walking in life. I don’t know how tomorrow will turn out. See, the thing is I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. And what if I am not that girl who has it all planned out; my SAT, my college, my job. What if I am not the girl who studies hard and tops the class. I am NOT supposed to have my life figured out. I have someone who’ll help me and loves me despite my flaws. I surrender myself to Him. I don’t know if what I am doing is right or wrong. I don’t think I have anymore strength to wrack my head. I am done doubting everything I do. I am confused and lost. But I trust Him with all my heart that He will make a way for me and you. Not once does the Bible say ‘figure it out’ but it says ‘Trust Him’ over and over again. I think I will lean on Him everyday and stop pretending to know what I am doing. I’ll just let Him do His work. For He is the only one who can turn your life around and I am sure He will. Just believe.
Location: Seoul, South Korea

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